How to Make Friends with Crows and Use Them Against Your Enemies.

Welcome to Evil Week, our annual exploration of all the dubious hacks that we would typically avoid recommending. We have all the information you need to be successfully unsavoury, whether your goal is to play intricate mind games, launder ...

Oct 31, 2023 - 13:00
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How to Make Friends with Crows and Use Them Against Your Enemies.

Welcome to Evil Week, our annual exploration of all the dubious hacks that we would typically avoid recommending. We have all the information you need to be successfully unsavoury, whether your goal is to play intricate mind games, launder some money, or weasel your way into free drinks.

I tried to imprint myself on some ducks a few months ago, leading them to believe that I was their mother. It was mediocre. The ducks' only behavior was to poop all over my house and, oh my, to quack nonstop. I will now discuss crows. I will not be followed around by a bunch of foolish ducklings, but rather by a murder of crows that will loom large and menacing like a dark cloud. And to destroy my enemies, I will raise my own army of crows.

Why do crows exist?

Crows are self-sufficient, intelligent animals that don't require diapers, unlike ducks. They converse with each other and work out problems together. They may be as intelligent as a seven-year-old human child. They appear to possess rituals and a cultural aspect as well. Crows are able to identify faces, which is the most significant feature of all. My face will eventually become familiar to them as their master's. Look upon my face, rooks, blackbirds, and pay attention to my powerful crow, for I am Stephen Johnson, Master of Crows.

Is owning crows as pets allowed?

Many places forbid the keeping of crows as pets. Since I'm too lazy to care for the birds in my crow army, I intend to let them live their own lives. However, if you want to keep a crow as a pet, you may have to hide it from the authorities, who frequently disapprove of the unique bond that exists between a person and their crow.

What makes crows come.

Getting your crows together is the first step to becoming a crow master. If you live in a city or suburb, your yard may be the safe and quiet place that these birds prefer to conduct their crow business. Living near humans reduces the likelihood that you will frighten them; crows in rural areas are far more wary.

It's possible that your yard will need to be altered. You will need to give up your current pets because crows will not congregate around known bird enemies such as dogs and cats. It's worth the sacrifice, though. Get rid of any wind chimes or other sources of noise you may have. Startling crows is something they dislike.

Make sure your yard is lush because crows like bushes and trees because they are hiding spots and places to scheme. Installing a birdbath can help crows groom themselves and their prey, as they enjoy having access to water.

How to give your crows food.

As it hasn't worked out so far, I had to become transactional, which entails feeding the wild crows. Ideally, I would like for them to see me and instantly feel kinship. Because they are omnivores, crows will consume anything, including fish, worms, and trash. They aren't picky, but online crow experts advise giving them dog and cat food, nuts, eggs, and leftover meat. I like bloodthirsty crows, which is why I'm going with meat scraps.

Arrange your food so that it is visible from above, ideally surrounded by something shiny. After that, let it go. It takes time to make crows your friends. Keep your distance while you wait for a crow to appear as they are wary animals that will not approach food if they see a human nearby. Keep your eyes off of them. Don't go too fast. To help them become acclimated to you and your yard, simply lurk at a safe distance.

Remain steady and patient.

Given enough time, crows will eventually add your backyard to their mental map of "places food comes from" if you leave food for them at the same time every day. Crows are pattern observers. Upon their regular appearance, you can attempt to venture a bit nearer to the food each day. Don't shock them by going overboard, though. The memories of crows are long. If all goes according to plan, you'll eventually become associated with the food and pleasant surroundings of your backyard, which is when the fun really starts.

You and your crow army.

More crows will land in your yard to feast on your delectable food if all goes according to plan and your kind deeds and face become legendary among the neighborhood crows. The crows will start leaving you shiny objects as tribute, like bottle caps and bullets, if they truly like you. They might even bring a valuable diamond from a contessa's necklace to your door, creating a mystery that only Hercules Poirot, the greatest detective in Belgium, can unravel.

Protective behavior is well-known in crows.

Crows become protective and territorial when they make friends, according to people who have witnessed local crow killings. The potential liability from their own flock attacking neighbors, for example, prompted Reddit user cranne to seek legal counsel.

"When my neighbor arrived for a socially awkward conversation (me on my porch, her in my yard), the crows began attacking her aggressively. They informed Reddit that they would not give up until she left my yard.

Online orthodontists agreed that the crows were probably protecting their resources and could be convinced to leave if they offered food or something shiny. However, I would prefer my crows to be pickier eaters. Fortunately, it is possible to turn crows into hateful creatures who share my hatreds.

Crows are taught to hate their enemies.

According to crow research, the birds can discriminate between good and bad humans based solely on facial features, demonstrating that they have sophisticated perception. They can authentically like some people and detest others.

In order to find out precisely how crows use this knowledge, biologist John Marzluff and University of Washington students carried out an experiment in 2006 in which the students donned masks and disturbed some crows by netting and banding them. Students strolled across campus a few days later, donning an assortment of masks. All those wearing masks were ignored by the crows, with the exception of those donning the masks of those who disturbed them. "Loud scolding cries and the formation of small mobs" was their response when they saw those assholes. ".

While that's cool, what's really amazing is that the crows kept threatening and shrieking at the people wearing masks for an extended period of time. Their memory of the misbehavior is not erased, nor are they capable of forgiving it. Furthermore, the proportion of crows who detested the masks rose with time. The crows somehow communicated to one another, "that guy sucks.". Affront him. Crows that were not even present during the initial traumatic incident also became affected. Even non-native birds detested the wearer of masks.

It's evident where this is going, am I right? After you have made a lot of crow friends, you should get a mask that is as realistic as possible of your worst enemy, Joel Cunningham, the deputy editor of Lifehacker, for example. Before you bedevil your crows, put on the mask. Toss stones at them. Moniker their moms "pigeons.". Tell them you're relieved about Brandon Lee's passing. Whatever it takes to make them despise "you.". ".

After that, relax and sit back while the crows work. The birds will get word, and crows will congregate whenever your adversaries stroll the streets. A scowl will come over them. They will scream that your enemies are not worthy of your respect. Nor will your adversaries know why. But each day will see an increase in the number of crows. And it won't end. Not right now. Never will I.


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